Later that summer I had an intense desire to know the answers to my questions. So I listened to the audio cassettes of Nannagaru that my sister had left. Surprisingly he had answered all the questions that I had from my childhood in a sequence. You are not the body, you're not the mind, you're not the bundle of thoughts you think you are. As Lord Krishna said in the Bhagavad Gita, 'I'm all-pervading truth, I am in the heart of everyone.' God resides within yourself. You're not the body, you're not the mind, you're the Self, and the Self is God himself. That is the Truth and you have come here to realize that Truth.
I kept thinking about what this state could be. He's talking about the Self, which I haven't experienced, and unless I know what the Self is, how am I to make an effort to get it? I started praying to God, It's almost seventeen years and I still don't realize who I am. I'm visiting temples, seeking solace, expressing my love, but I don't have real peace. I still don't see what God is.' Then I prayed, 'Take me away. I don't want to live here without knowing who you are, I don't want to waste time here, so please take me away.'
I was lying down - not sleeping, not dreaming - and suddenly I realized I'm not the body anymore and I had complete bliss and happiness all at once gushing from inside and there was so much compassion towards everything around me. Slowly the feeling of 'I' dropped and then I was in total bliss and happiness. It was just flowing from within. Then I saw the body separate from me. Tears started flowing but I wasn't conscious of the body.
I kept telling everybody in the house that probably this is what Truth is, this is what God is - happiness, love, bliss, compassion. It's not the form, it's the state of bliss that is God and it is so true and dynamic. I tried to tell my family members to come and enjoy this bliss, but none paid Attention. Since this thought disturbed my peace and bliss, I let go of that thought and continued to remain in that state. After some time, I felt my body. I realized I am Usha and this is my father, this is my mother and so on, and all of a sudden the bliss was gone. Sometime back I was just bliss, happiness, and love, and now I'm identifying myself with this body. That state of bliss is true, this state of identification with the body is not true. But what made me be in that state of bliss and what made me go away from it?
This experience cannot be explained in words. Later I called up my sister to inquire about my experience. She said she was clueless, but Nannagaru was coming to Hyderabad in three days and I could talk to him.
After three days I went to visit Nannagaru at a devotee's residence in Hyderabad. He was all Smiles when I came to the entrance.
He said - “Usha came, make a way for her!”
I went and sat near him. My sister tried to tell Nannagaru about my experience.
He interrupted her and said: “Let her tell, let her tell” and smiled.
I explained to him everything that had happened to me.
Nanna, I had this wonderful experience of I’m not the body. The tears flowed from the eyes with bliss, but the tears were not me, the body was not me. I did not have this sensation of the body. I saw this body like any other body. The state of bliss and happiness was tremendous. It remained for a few minutes and vanished. I was back to my body consciousness.“You felt you were on top of an elephant?” he asked smiling.
“There is no comparison,” I said.
“What was that experience Nannagaru?” I asked.
“That was the Bliss of Brahman. Atmananda. What you experienced was a drop in the ocean.This short experience is also not possible with many years of sadhana”, he said solemnly.
“Why did I get it without any sadhana?” I asked.“You asked for it 'wholeheartedly' and so God gave you a taste of it. You don’t know your past lives and merit (Punya)”.
Nannagaru continued saying,” Suppose you start writing numbers in a book from 1 and continued writing till 1700, and apparently, you stopped & closed the book. The next time when you open the book you will resume from 1701 but not from 1 again. Similarly, the effort you made in previous lives will be carried forward & nothing goes vain, particularly the effort you make to realize the Truth. In fact, that is the only most meaningful & useful effort to make!”
Instantly I realized Nanna was the ocean himself or else how would he know that the experience was only a drop? I was convinced that God himself was in the form of a Guru in front of my eyes. I moved a little away and was awestruck at him, that moment was really profound.
“Even if a thousand people come and argue with you saying that this state doesn’t exist, will you be convinced?” he asked.
“How can I be convinced when I have experienced it?” I answered.
Then I asked - “Why was the experience momentary?” and I told him I would love to continue to be in the same state.
It was momentary, but many do not get it even after hundreds of years of sadhana. If it revealed itself all at once your body cannot withhold it. It gets revealed gradually. Now you will live your life trying to attain that experience.
“I do not crave for the attractions of the world, but I feel I am highly body-conscious. How do I get rid of this?” I asked
He smiled and said, “If you get rid of this, you will be a realized one (Jnani).”“Since I have known the meaning of life, I don't want to study further”, I said.
“The destiny of your body has got nothing to do with the Experience of Truth”, he said.
I asked him - "What I should do next? He said, "Leave the body to destiny & God will take care of you. No worry is needed as everything will happen in its own time".
As we can’t come out of our weaknesses & temptations easily, and unless we are out of all these we can’t attain perfection, I have decided to skip salt with Curd Rice which was my favorite dish to start with. After 2 days of quitting it, when I had visited Nannagaru in a devotee's house, it was his lunchtime and I stood among other devotee's beside him (who were serving him). Then Nanna said, "Serve lunch to Usha also". When I hesitated, he told me to give him company. He showed the chair next to him & told me to sit. The ladies there served me food too. I ate slowly & in the meanwhile Nanna finished eating his meal. He waited for me to finish, and as I was served curd with rice, he kept looking at my plate. I continued to eat when he said, "Serve some curry for Usha". When I hesitated he looked with extreme compassion & said - “I told them to serve you curry or chutney and not salt”. You needn’t eat it so bland he said smiling & got up to wash his hands. Would parents have so much love for their children? I haven’t told anyone I was quitting some things dear to me. But since he was the in-dweller & knew everything he didn’t want me to be that harsh on myself. I had tears for his extreme compassion.
That moment I felt, not just small insignificant temptations, we can overcome anything in his unconditional love. Grace can move mountains if we have enough faith!
During one summer vacation, I had been to my elder sister’s in-laws place (Kodavalli) along with my sister as she wanted me to accompany her. Since that place was one hour's drive from Nannagaru’s village, I wanted to visit him. The same day that I wanted to go visit, he called & said he was coming to a closer place (Bhimavaram) the next day & to meet him there. I had no idea how to get there. Meanwhile, a childhood friend of mine who belongs to that town came to visit me & asked if I could give her company to go to a newly released movie in Bhimavaram. I asked her if she could drop me at the address where Nannagaru would be coming. She said if I accompanied her to the movie, she would drop me at their residence. Though I was planning to gradually quit movies in theater by then, I had no option as I had to visit Nannagaru the next day.
So the next day I went along with my friend to the movie, after which she dropped me at the residence Nanna had been to.
Nanna asked me - “Did you have your lunch?”
When I replied - “No”, he asked what I was doing till 3 pm without having lunch!A little guilty & shy I just kept silent as he knew everything. Then he said, "Don’t skip meals like this. Whatever work you are in, remember to have meals on time!" He told his daughter to serve me food. I was so moved by his love & the subtle way of conveying what isn’t worthy. He had this strange subtle means of erasing our weaknesses with ease. Never after that I had a desire to go to the theater. Only a great master & teacher can guide you with extreme compassion & can remove the tendencies with ease which might otherwise take decades of effort.
After that, for the next two years whenever I was with Nannagaru, I used to weep inconsolably. One day he looked at me weeping and putting aside his newspaper he said:
“Look at her! This is Akarana Bhakthi, love with no cause. When this love awakens in a time when temptations are more, especially in teenage life, God cannot stay without bestowing Jnana.”
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