Saturday, November 6, 2010

"Either show me what you are or take me away" - (By Gopika)


I became spiritually inclined the day I identified myself as having a body. It was a tender age of young adolescence, the time when I didn’t know about Sri Nannagaru that many spiritual queries used to be a part of my life.

I used to wonder What am I? Where do I come from? Why do I exist? To what purpose is this life of mine?

Many times I used to become silent in thought and wonder about these questions. My family members would ask me why I was silent and I had no answer for that.

These bouts of Silence were followed by alternating phases of jubilant behavior and socialization.

Many times I would gaze myself in the mirror and stop combing. I would ask myself ‘Is what I see as a body in the mirror me? Or is it the thinking faculty? What am I? What is this God? Where to know? How to know?’

I gradually got introduced to Shirdi Sai Baba and I used to pray to Him internally to clear my doubts. I asked Baba who are you? What are you? Who is the Guru? How to find him?

I used to have wonderful visions but none assuaged my grief completely.

I used to spend many evenings on my terrace enjoying Nature and its Silence.

Again I used to wonder Is this Silence God? Or Is God something more?

Slowly as age progressed Baba became my everything. I used to pray to him like a friend.

It was on one such occasion that I journeyed to Shirdi with my aunty and friends. The thoughts that were uppermost in my mind then was Why do you give life? Why should we suffer?

I was insecure when I went to Shirdi. I had many questions and confusions. It was then that one fine morning at darshan my friend asked for a rose from Baba idol’s decoration. The priest smiled and gave her a rose garland! My aunt asked for a lilly and she was given a garland of lilies from the idol!

I smiled to see their happiness. I wondered What Baba should we ask for you to give something? Wont you give without asking? I chided Baba internally like a friend.

It was then that I went to Chaavadi. Here Baba had meditated looking at the wall.

I stood there watching. I wondered. Baba is God. Then why did he meditate here? I was thinking thus when someone jabbed me on my shoulders. I turned and looked at a man who was dressed with a head scarf resembling the one which Baba wears. He gave me a garland and asked me to offer it to the altar in the Chaavadi. I asked is it for me? But he persisted. I took the garland and offered it. I turned back immediately and he was not there! I was stunned and ran out searching for the man but he was not to be found. I sat down and cried.

I jubilantly thought ‘You are dynamically present Baba! You will respond to every call! You have to protect me always!’

On the way back in the train I had a beautiful vision. I was standing in vast field and numerous dark forms were approaching me. I cried out in fear, Baba please help me. Baba suddenly appeared by my side and drew a circle around me with his staff. The circle blazed with fire and none could approach me. I hugged Baba and the vision ended.

As the years rolled on and I was completing my intermediate studies. My inner quest continued and I was wondering that time was passing by.

I came into contact with Swami Rajarajeshwarananda of the Swami Shivananda ashram near my house.

One day when he was giving initiation I refused and told him “I want God as Guru.”

He smiled and said “ But my child God is everywhere. How can I say that the same Pure Power will come as your Guru?”

I was adamant. He nodded and asked me to read Lalitha Sahasranama sthrothra once a week and Sri Suktham daily and chant OMNAMAHA SHIVAYA.

I did the recitation reluctantly because I didn’t understand it.

When it comes to God I needed to understand.

I used to disrespect customary approaches to worship and many times argued that changes in body physiology should not dictate devotion. My mother seldom agreed.

One day my sister came and told me to come and meet Sri Nannagaru as he speaks very well about God.

I asked her ‘Is he God? If he is not I have no reason why I should see him.’ She was nonplussed.

Another day Sri Nannagaru had come to my neighbor’s house. After sitting he had asked pointing to my house

“Who lives there?”

On finding out he immediately got up and came directly into my house without invitation! He introduced himself to my mother and sister and myself and then nonchalantly went around inspecting the house and its rooms! After that he sat on the sofa and talked to me for one hour regarding my schooling.

“Tell me your school prayer” he said

I recited the famous sloka Purnamidam etc.

“Oh,” he exclaimed “you have been worshipping consciousness since childhood it seems.”

And then he smiled and said to me

“Keep meeting me often”

I forgot about the incident later thinking that here is a Godman who did not talk a single thing about God.

One day on Shivarathri ( 16/17 yrs of age ) I was crying. I have been seeking you and you haven’t answered. What are you? Either show me what you are or take me away.”

I woke up crying and went to the refrigerator for some water. On the fridge I saw some audio cassettes of Sri Nannagaru. I paused and decided to listen to them.

I was claimed!

Every doubt that had vexed me since childhood was answered in them in sequence! Every thing was laid bare before me and I woke up to life giving teaching.

“You are not the body for it dies. You are not the mind or the thinking faculty for they don’t exist in deep sleep. You exist in all states. The peace of deep sleep in the waking state is realization. You are the eternal Truth. It is within you. To realize this is jnana. You have no death or birth. You are all pervasive.”

I wondered! ‘Nice words! But where is the experience? How should I achieve that? Unless I experience it how am I to try for it?’

Thinking thus I went back to sleep crying.

And then I saw!

Something in me opened up. I was very very happy. I could see that my body was crying and tears were flowing down my eyes, but it was not me. I was not the mind also. I was that Blissful state. I was Peace,Bliss, Blessedness.All adjectives could only give a hint of that Pure State. This is the state that Sri Nannagaru talked about, I understood. Let me be. This is the doorway of jnana! I tried to ask my family members to come and enjoy this bliss. But none heeded in the vision. The state continued for some time and then abated.

In the morning I asked my sister as to what was it that I experienced.

She shook her head and said “ Sri Nannagaru is coming in three days. Why don’t you ask him?”

I decided to do just that.

I went to him with my sister.

He looked at me from far and told the devotees happily

“Make way, make way she is coming.”

I went and sat near him. My sister tried to tell Sri Nannagaru about my experience.

He interrupted her.

“Let her tell, let her tell” he smiled.

I explained to him everything that had happened to me.

“What was that experience Nannagaru?” I asked.

“That was the Bliss of Brahman. Atmananda.” He said solemnly. “It was momentary but many do not get it after hundreds of years of sadhana..”

“Why did I get it without any sadhana?” I asked.

“You asked for it 'wholeheartedly' and God gave you a taste of it. You don’t know your past life and punya. Now you will live your life in trying to reattain that experience.”

“Even if thousand people come and argue with you that this doesn’t exist will you be convinced?” He asked.

“How can I be convinced when I have experienced it?” I answered

“You felt you were on top of an elephant?” he asked smiling.

“There is no comparison” I said.

“I just asked in a slang that’s all” he said and smiled again.

“Why was the experience momentary?” I asked. “ I would love to continue to be in the same state.”

“That was just a drop in the ocean.”

“I have known meaning of life. I don’t want to study anymore” I said.

“All at once, the experience will kill you. You will achieve it gradually.” He said.

“I do not crave for attractions of the world but I feel I am highly body conscious. How do I get rid of this?” I asked

He smiled and said “If you get rid of this you will be a jnani.”

After that for the next two years whenever I was with Sri Nannagaru I used to weep inconsolably.

One day he looked at me weeping and putting aside his newspaper he said

“Look at her! This is Akaarana Bhakthi…love with no cause. When this love awakens in a time when temptations are more especially in teenage life God cannot be without giving Jnana.”

Thank you all.

Eventually will share more experiences.

Thank you Gopika, for sharing such an wonderful experience. There are some devotees that Guru selects, and brings them along with him. It is no doubt that you are one among them. This is an exemplary that Guru searches for you, follows you until you reach that state where he is in. His grace cannot be narrated.


  1. Beautiful....beautiful....beautiful!


  2. abhishek varma gottumukkalaDecember 4, 2010 at 6:37 PM

    good work

  3. I am blessed..thanks..My Pranams to Nannagaru..You,all His devotees as well and all True seekers of Realization.

  4. Thanku for sharing.Iam not getting enough words to express my feelings.Thanku once again.