Sunday, June 21, 2020

"He took my breath away" - (By Freddy Nielsen)

He took my breath away …

It was back in November 1990, I was 23 then, and it seems like an eternity ago.

October 4, 1990, I came to Ramanashram, intending to stay there my entire life, as a sanyasin if needed. For more than 10 years, I had been having a lot of inner existential suffering, and I was immensely attracted to Ramana Maharshi, who I found out through Paul Brunton’s books in my library in my town that was as big as Jinnuru (8000 inhabitants). I told him mentally, that if Ramana would give me mukti, I would even be prepared to be killed in an accident the very next second.

After a few weeks of living in Ramanashram, I got so disappointed and immensely sad. Before coming there, I had read some 30-40 books about Ramana that I had ordered from the Ashram. I lived on raw vegan food in a simple “house” without electricity or water in the forest in Sweden as a vanaprastha (forest dweller) meditating, praying and studying Ramana’s teachings and doing everything and anything in order to get Jeevanmukti (enlightenment). During the weekends I worked at an old age home to get money.

So I somehow had the idea that almost everyone at Ramanashram would be radiating with joy and be either enlightened or half way there. When I realized that this was not the case for the majority, my life totally collapsed and I was even prepared to commit suicide because Ramanshram was my last hope in an unkind and uncompassionate world that I never felt I belonged to.

I had read that Ramana had said that ANY sincere prayer done at and to Arunachala is sure to be answered. I prayed almost nonstop and in desperation and cried for some 3 days and hardly even sleeping. I was begging to Arunachala on my bare knees for complete enlightenment, or at least a way to get it within reasonable time, such as within a few years. Preferably also by giving me a living Satguru, which for me would be a totally enlightened sincere and loving Master, similar to Ramana.

A few days after this I ran into a man , Dr Rama Rao, at the Ashram who asked me if I would like to get Darshan by his divine realized Master NANNAGARU, who at that time “happened” to be visiting Ramanashram along with hundreds of devotees. I was not sure as Dr Rama Rao did not have an appearance or personality that I automatically trust. I said “Yes” mostly out of curiosity, having almost no expectations. The darshan was to be at 7 pm that very day.

At sunset I went to the meditation hall in the Ashram where a dozen of people sat immersed in meditation. When I focused upon whether to go and have darshan of Nannagaru or not and whether Ramana would approve of it or not, I immediately got an experience I never ever had before, not even close to it. I could feel the kundalini slowly but steadily rising from my tailbone and up with a steady, peaceful wave that simultaneously was mighty like a huge unstoppable waterfall. This kundalini gave rise to immense energy explosions in each of the chakras, especially in the second one, in a highly physical and palpable way. It was IMPOSSIBLE not to believe this more-than-clear sign.

It was not easy to walk the 100 meters to the darshan hut in the midst of such an energy explosion and ecstasy. When I reached the small hut there were some 5 people only, and I immediately felt an ENORMOUS presence. I felt my body soon becoming heavy as if weighing tens of thousands of kilograms, or rather tons. The peace from Nannagaru made me turn into a heavy mountain. My mind got totally blank and I felt for the first time ever, that I have gotten a real taste of what true enlightenment feels like.
The next day Nannagaru was going to leave Ramanashram and go back to Jinnuru town. I got the address from the kind Dr Rama Rao and I had accepted Nannagaru as my Satguru, whom I considered being an embodiment of Ramana Maharshi himself.

I was a bit confused though, as Nannagaru was a householder and not like Ramana who had an Ashram where I could study, live and meditate with him as a disciple. Dr Rama Rao asked me to come to say goodbye to Nannagaru the following morning. What happened there gave me the surprise of my life.

I saw hundreds of devotees all waiting for Nannagaru’s loving attention, a short glance or a loving word. Nannagaru came straight to me and looked me intensely into my eyes for a timeless period where He transported me into Eternity. Later I found out that He looked me in the eyes for 20 minutes. I will not even try to describe how this heavenly Heaven felt like, as He for some time took me into timelessness and never-ending bliss & peace.

After having looked me in the eyes non-stop for 20 minutes, Nannagaru went to Ramana’s Samadhi to say goodbye or talk to Ramana. After some 10 minutes Nannagaru came back and He went straight to me again and said the following 11 words that ever since have been etched into my heart: “Ramana told me, that you will get jeevanmukti in this lifetime.”
I was confused and sad that He had left, as I was immensely hungry to get His direct teachings & instructions. There was not even a book in English about Nannagaru, I found out. The weeks that followed I tried to be in deep meditation and connect with my new Master through form and mantra most of my waking hours.

The following day I got a high fever lasting for 4-5 days, and I had to go to the hospital for tablets. I took this cleansing and fever in deep gratitude being a sign that His energy had cleansed my chakras, energies and vasanas etc.

After the fever had gone, I went at lunch time to eat at the Ashram’s dining hall. All of a sudden, I felt no need to breathe. I just walked and walked and it felt so natural NOT to breathe. For 10 minutes I did not even feel the need for air, and I would be deeply surprised if I were ever to breathe again. What a liberation to be able to live without air! I thanked Nannagaru internally for this liberation. When suddenly my breath returned, I got surprised. This spontaneous long period of non-breathing has never repeated itself, but I will carry this experience with me for life. Sometimes I have measured how long I can keep the breath, and I have never been able to keep it more than 1,5 minute.

One day I had to make a very very important decision, and I decided to not go for a meeting. Suddenly I got an experience that has never repeated. It was voice from Heaven, where the entire Universe commanded me: “Go there NOW!” The voice lasted for 3-4 seconds, and it was such a shock to me that I did not even have the time to check if the voice was coming from Everywhere or if it was a hallucination. I regretted not being awake enough to check its’ authenticity. Anyway, I decided it simply can’t be that God Almighty Himself spoke to a young confused guy like me, so I went home. Only classical prophets like Moses can hear God’s direct Voice from Heaven. After having taken a few steps, the Heavenly Voice repeated thunderlike: “Go NOW, RUN!!!” It turned out to be a destiny changing meeting.

Since some years, I have more and more felt a special connection to Jesus and Mother Mary, especially when Mother Mary some years filled my with a new divine presence, when a student of mine gave me an icon of her, and as it was in a parcel, I thought this gift was a book. And before opening the gift, a pure divine Light and presence filled me ever since, and when looking into her eyes, I always feel a living presence of angels and sometimes even of the Divine source.

For a few weeks now, I have felt a natural urge to understand Ramana’s teachings and maybe even return to Ramanshram to give it one more chance. For a month or so, I have felt the need to listen to so many satsangs of so-called enlightened Westerners, and audio books on other popular Advaita teachers from Ramana’s lineage, such as Nisargadatta Maharaj and Poonjaji.

3 years ago, 6 months before Nannagaru left His physical body, I got an urge to see if it was time for me to come back. I was close to decide, but probably I was not totally ready. I like to things 100%, so I only wanted to go if inspired by an unstoppable force.

Yesterday morning however, I suddenly felt a DEEP urge and intuition and call to check up Nannagaru and to go and visit Him in Jinnuru and continue with him where I left off 29 years ago. There was of course a big difference in my inner state now and from 1990.

For 16 years I feel some kind of divine union and when people have been asking me if I was enlightened, I did not know what to answer, because on the one hand suffering and the feeling of separation was sort of gone. But I always said NO, when people asked me. But inside my heart, I was in fact not sure. For 16 years, I have at least had a highly transformed state, a state that has many of the qualities that I was seeking so desperately in 1990 and even since I was 16.

So when I searched for how and where to find Nannagaru, I was so sad as well as shocked to see that He had already passed away 2.5 years ago. He passed away at Dec. 29, which happens to be the birthday of my first “guru”, which was my older brother who convinced me to read the novel “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse and this kind brother of mine also understood me like no one else did when I grew up.

Anyway, I was thrilled to see that nowadays there were books and material about Nannagaru in English. I tried to connect with Nannagaru through His picture, and I was pleasantly surprised when I immediately felt that He was AS ALIVE as when I got His darshan in 1990 and when he looked me in the eyes for 20 minutes. In less than a second, my Satguru was back and immediately my inner “fullness” became so much Fuller.

I was also immensely moved to rediscover that Nannagaru’s teaching are the closest to my heart among all teachings I have read so far. He feels like Ramana’s own gentle son, who is closer to me and explains in a way that is a bit easier for me to relate to and understand. Yesterday evening I was immensely delighted to absorb all those amazingly amazing and sweet words by Nannagaru’s writings.

This morning (June 21, 2020) I woke up with a heavenly electrified feeling all over the body.

When I meditated on Nannagaru’s picture alternating it with His picture together with Ramana’s, I got something new. Inside my heart for the entire day, I have felt the living eternally peaceful and blissful presence of Arunachala, Ramana & Nannagaru. I feel the indescribable PEACEFUL heaviness of being a heavy mountain in my heart, the same as I felt during my first darshan with Nannagaru 1990.

I am so surprised at how immediate Nannagaru reacts and how limitless His kindness, power and Grace is. 29.5 years ago, He gave me the biggest gift anyone ever could give me: His 11 words of guaranteed liberation, and this is the same as actual Liberation for me.

Yesterday morning I was so happy to finally be able to come back to meet my Sadguru in person, at least after this Corona close down was over. I was so sad I could no more come and express my eternal gratitude to Him, and also ask for forgiveness for a “mistake” that I unknowingly made many years ago. When reading Nannagaru’s amazing articles today, His wise and compassionate words removed this age-long guilt from me.

Every time I look into His compassionate eyes, I get flooded by limitless Grace. I feel so much Healing have occurred in these 24 hrs, that it is a Complete Miracle.

I don’t know if I shall just focus on His Grace cleansing out the remaining vasanas and limiting energy in me, or if I shall try to be active in thinking about how to be able to spread the amazing possibilities of His limitless Grace. No words in the world suffices to express my Gratitude for the Grace He gave me 29.5 years ago and the last 24 hrs.

For those who doubt, I can say one thing for sure:
Nannagaru is as living today, as when He was in the body and giving me the highest spiritual experiences and Grace of my life.

Freddy Nielsen, 53 years old, language teacher, Stockholm, Sweden.

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